i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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