he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
