you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
