apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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