my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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