I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
