I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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