my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
