I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
