Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
