I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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