Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
