I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
