you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
