there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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