I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
