Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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