I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
