I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize