Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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