You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My butt remains clenched, sir.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
