Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
