how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
the liver wants what the liver wants
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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