My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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