Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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