This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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