It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
