Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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