how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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