How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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