I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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