My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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