Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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