I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just pynch a tree in the face
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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