My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
