There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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