She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
