i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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