Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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