I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
