i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
