Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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