Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
