i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
