and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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