oh god the rape fog is back!
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
