Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
