i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
