I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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