Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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