You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
