I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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