ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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