no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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