if i can run in heels then i can drive
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
