3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
