Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
