Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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