Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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