I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Randomize