Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you made out with another girl for some wings
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
